Boo. No, I mean "booo," as in this sucks
It's that time of year again folks. As multitudes of crumbsnatchers diligently prepare to go sack begging for handouts, film studios are likewise asking for treats. Not candy, but record breaking first week sales, stellar reviews. Desperate to tap into that ever changing teen market base, they trip each other up trying to get their new horror movies out in time for Halloween. They do not care if these movies have plots. They do not care if their actors can act. All they want is to fill their treat bags to the max with the least amount of effort.
Hence, "Thirteen Ghosts" is born. Also known as "Just Rewrite House On Haunted Hill & Change The Characters, They'll Never Notice".
Okay, to be fair, I don't scare easily, so I always give horror movies a bit of leeway. But this is ridiculous. I laughed all the way through this cookie cutter Halloween-rush flick. I really did. Hell, I thought I had mistakenly walked into Rush Hour 2, this movie was so damn funny. The casting is just plain bad. Shannon Elizabeth is a very pretty girl, but as far as this movie goes, she is terrible. I haven't seen such a fake impression of being scared since I went on the haunted hayrack ride back in middle school. And that little boy is a pain in the ass to watch. Who the hell picked him for that role, and why are they allowed to live?!
I slept a sound and comforted sleep after watching that movie. I was not cowering in my sheets the way I should've been. I cannot imagine anyone over the age of ten being scared by that movie. I would assume the sort of people who were just so damn terrified, must sleep with a nightlight on, and still believe in Santa Claus.
Let's examine the "plot" (and I use that term loosely), shall we? Of course, if you plan on seeing the movie, I suggest you stop reading now, because I intend to bust this movie down to the blocks. Meaning, yes, I will spoil the hell out of the ending. Run while you can.
Anyway, the movie starts in a junkyard, on a dark night. It's hard to tell what's going on, because no one makes any goddamn sense. "This looks like the beginning of Jurassic Park." I ponder. There's a rich old man, a psychic, and some hired hands and they are all gathered here today on this blessed occasion to capture the ghost of a murderer. Who ya gonna call?! Then we see a brief flashing of some corpses as the psychic puts his hand to the ground. "Oh, so now it's the Sixth Sense?" I ask. Next thing you know, there are cars flying around, crushing the hell out of these men. Then this filthy looking ghost comes out of nowhere and starts fucking these guys up. I laughed my ass off right then. Now it's like Jerry Springer, these men are getting their asses kicked! So the old man gets killed, along with 99% of his posse.
Then they show a house with one sad ass man. There is a quick dialogue that gives you the impression that there is a family, and they lost the mother/wife in a fire. I would've been sad too, if I had a daughter like Shannon Elizabeth, Rah Digga as a nanny, and a son far more annoying than the girl from the Pepsi commercials. But fate has smiled upon them, for the man's uncle died, leaving them his house out in the middle of nowhere. It is... The House On Haunted Hill, oops I mean, it's his prized possession. The car ride in the dark, through the woods to the house in no way resembles the car ride in some other movie with a haunted house made by the same company. *cough*
What ensues is a instantly predictable scenario. The psychic is there and he tries to help the nimrods realize they're all in danger. The house is full of the ghosts that the old man worked so hard to catch. Alas, Casper is not one of them. These ghosts were violent people who died violent deaths, and they're in very foul spirits. No, there was actually no pun intended. I'll hand it to them, the ghosts looked very good. By good, I mean bad. They were nasty, gory, all out terrifying creations.
**But how about that Jackal ghost? Did he look hot or what?! *wolf whistles* Hell, fuck the candy, I could sure go for a piece of that, this Halloween.**
These ghosts are kept in some glass Downy time release capsule rooms, or whatever, and they get freed one by one. How better to thank the people who involuntarily set them free, than by killing them in excruciating ways? No one could ever accuse these ghosts of being ungrateful, oh no.
The movie continues down it's predictable path, managing to even get a scant shot of Shannon Elizabeth's tits as she is mauled by the Jackal. I sure didn't pay five dollars to see that, thank you very much. But I'm sure others will now. Anyway, surprise, surprise, the old man is still alive, and intent on using his glorious house...
**Oops, silly me. It's not a house, it's a machine. They must stress that so that you know that any resemblance to a certain "house" on top of a certain "haunted hill", is purely coincidental.**
...Excuse me, his glorious machine, to see into the future, by looking into the eye of Hell. Talk about anemities. Every place should come with it's very own eye of Hell. I cannot imagine who would not want such a fabulous convenience right in their home.
But in order to get this party started right, the old man needs a 13th ghost. One made from a sacrifice of 100% pure love. So he kidnaps his nephew's kids, in an effort to get the man to jump into the eye of hell in order to make it all work. By this point, three people have died, including my beloved psychic.
**Damn you Warner Bros! *sobs* Damn you right into your precious eye of Hell! How could you do this to me?? *sniff* They killed my baby...**
Anyway, the ghosts are converging on the rim of the eye of Hell, while the kids are in the center of some chopping device. Their father attacks his old uncle, and gets his ass kicked! How do you get beat up by your old uncle? *shakes head in disgust* He has disgraced his family. But Rah Digga comes to the rescue, by mix-mastering the tapes of incantations used to make the ghosts do their thing. She also flips each and every switch on the huge panel before her, and utterly fucks up the machine. The ghosts come and toss the old man into the chopping device before going on their merry little ways. Then the psychic shows up *screams like a 13 yr old and throws a pair of panties at the screen* ...in ghost form, of course. *sob, sniff* He tells the man to go to his kids. Like a fool, the man runs through the blades and makes it to his kids in one piece, somehow. They all cuddle together as the damn thing explodes. They are not killed. It's a miracle! I have seen the light! Glory be. Rah Digga quits, and the movie ends.
It really wasn't that bad, unless you wanted a plot, or something new. I, however, cared about nothing but the special effects, the Jackal, and the psychic. :D Take your kids and someone you love to see Thirteen Ghosts. Especially if they still sleep with the nightlight on. Happy Halloween.
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