A guy walks into a truck stop with a stunned look on his face. He makes his way to the counter and sits down. The waitress comes over and asks, "Can I help you?" the man just sits there with a blank stare on his face, then he spits and says, "Mother Fucker sure can drive!"
Well, the waitress is offended by this and leaves. She comes back about 10 minutes later and asks again, "Can I help you now?"
The man replies by spitting and saying, "Mother Fucker sure can drive!"
The waitress storms off and gets the manager. The manager comes up to the guy, grabs him by his collar and says, "What seems to be the problem here?" The man spits and says, "Mother Fucker sure can drive!"
The manager tells him, "Look, this is a nice, respectable place, maybe if you could explain, who can drive and what you are talking about, I won't have to throw you out."
The man looks up at the manager and says, "Well, I was in
my 18 wheeler and I had this nineteen year old green horn kid
driving, we were coming down the old mountain road, when I
saw this traffic jam down in front of us--so I told the kid, if you can get us out of this alive I'll suck your dick!-----*SPIT*----AND THAT MOTHER FUCKER SURE CAN DRIVE!!!!!"
Tom, Dick and Harry, Three explorers, were captured by cannibals in the jungles of Borneo. The cannibal chief says to them (amazingly, he could speak English!), "If you pass the tribal test we will let you live. Go into the jungle and gather 10 items of the same fruit."
So the three guys scamper into the woods, and Tom comes back first with 10 apples. The Chief explains the trial to him: "You must shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you will be eaten."
The first apple was OK, but Tom winced in pain on the second apple, and was promptly killed and went to heaven (he was a good explorer).
Dick comes back with 10 berries, and the chief explains the trial to him as well. Dick doesn't think it should be too tough, and begins. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. but on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and is killed.
Tom and Dick meet in heaven, where Tom asks, "Dick, why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!"
Dick replied, "I couldn't help it. I saw Harry coming with an armload of pineapples."
A guy applied to join a nudist club. "Exactly what do you do here?" he asked.
"It's quite simple," said the club secretary, "We take off all our clothes and commune with nature."
"Cool," said the guy, "...count me in!!!"
So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off. As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, Beware of Gays. A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing "Beware of Gays." He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said, "Sorry,...You've had two warnings!"
There's a guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping around, answering ads in the newspaper, and not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition.
He inquires about it with the owner: "This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape".
"Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it", and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.
So the guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan). That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression.
When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm. "Honey," she says, "I've gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in . When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go.
The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet. So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word.
"Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence.
At that moment a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."
A 7-year-old and his 4-year-old brother are upstairs in their bedroom.
The 7-year-old is explaining that it is high time that the two of them begin swearing. When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the 7year old says, "When we go downstairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass'."The 4-year-old happily agrees.
As the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast.
The 7-year-old replies, "Aw hell, mom, I'll just have some Cheerios."
WHACK!
The surprised mother reacts quickly. The boy runs upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind.
With a sterner note in her voice, the mother then asks the younger son, "And what would YOU like for breakfast?"
"I don't know," the 4-year-old blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it's not gonna be Cheerios!"
This woman was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend and she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at the boyfriend "Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window my husband is home early!"
The boyfriend looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there!"
She said, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!"
So the boyfriend grabs his clothes and and jumps out the window!
When he landed outside he was in the middle of a "running Marathon" so he started running along beside the others only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm.
One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?"
He answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, It feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running."
The other runner then asked the nude man, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?"
The nude man answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"
The runner then asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
The nudey answered, "Only if it's raining.
A guy is sloppy drunk and gets home real late. Trying to avoid the little woman, he parks a block away from his home. He takes off his shoes as he walks up the stairs, careful not to make a noise. He quietly opens the door and tiptoes into the room, when BAM, he gets hit on the head by a frying pan.
Telling the story to friends the next day at the local watering hole, his best friend sadly shakes his head and says, "Boy are you ignorant! Now here's how I do it. When I get stinking drunk I go borrow my buds hopped up Harley Hog and go roaring up and down my block a couple of times a hootin' and a hollerin' and racing that huge old engine. I drive the Harley right up on the porch and the start a screamin' and a cussin'. I slam open the door and scream, 'I'm the man of the house and I want some nasty-ass sex right now!' And you know what's amazin', my wife's always sound asleep."
A rich couple went out for the evening and the woman of the house decided to give the butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off. She told Jeeves that she and her husband would be home very late and he should just enjoy his night off.
As it turned out, the wife didn't have a good time at the party and she came home by herself early. When she walked into the house she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She told him to follow her and led him up to the master bedroom, where she closed and locked the door. She looked at him and smiled.
"Jeeves, take off my dress," she said. He did so very carefully.
"Jeeves, take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeys her.
"Jeeves, remove my bra and panties." As he did this the tension in the room continued to mount.
She finally looked at him and said, "Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"
A man wanted to prolong his sexual experiences so he went to see a doctor about it. The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.
The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution.
On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.
Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?," he says.
"That's cool" says Bobby.
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do.
Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Carrie's father responds "why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby-so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it.
"Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"
The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely.
"I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table."
Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile.
"Yes," replied the girl, "much better."
"Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy?"
A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in a restaurant. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red. "Are you the owner?" she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies, "I'm just the manager."
"Can you get him for me? - I need to speak to him."
She asks, Running her hands up beyond his ears and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the manager - clearly aroused, "he's in the back doing taxes right now. Is there anything I can do?" "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message." She continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"Tell him," she says, "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."
Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation.
The first guy says, "I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my wife flings her arms and hollers, '7 come 11' all night & I haven't had a wink of sleep!"
The second guy says, "I know what you mean. My wife played blackjack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers, 'Hit me light or hit me hard!' and I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"
The third guy says, "You guys think you have it bad! My wife played the slots the whole time we were there and I wake up each morning with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters.
A couple was driving along a country road. The wife says, "Sweetheart let's stop and do the same thing we did here forty years ago."
The husband stops the car. His wife backs against the fence, and he's immediately on her like a bass on a June bug. They make love like never before. She was screaming and gyrating and SHAKING uncontrollably; and when it was over, much to her husband's surprise, she fainted!
After he revived her and got her back into the car, the husband, quite astounded says: "Darling', you sure never moved like that forty years ago or anytime since, that I can remember."
The woman, gasping for breath, finally able to speak, says: "Forty Years ago that damn fence wasn't ELECTRIC!!!"
A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. My husband just walked in the door."
Three former kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use ' big people' words" she'd always remind them.
She asked Wendy what she had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana"
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!"
She then asked Joey what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." he said.
"No, you took a ride on a TRAIN, use big people words!"
She then asked Eddie what he had done. "I read a book" he replied.
"That's wonderful" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Eddie thought about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said. "Winnie The Shit."
A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.
"So, did you jump?" the father asked.
"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"
"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.
"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked the father.
"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt."
"So, did you jump?"
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, `Boy, are you gonna jump or not?'
I said, `No, sir. I'm too scared.'
So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat!
He said, `Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'"
"So, did you jump?" asked the father.
"Well, a little, at first, but then I got used to it."
Some gangsters thought about robbing a bank, they made the best plan that can be made and started to work on it. A day or two later they are able to get in the bank. They see hundreds of safes, the head gangster says, "Open the first one up." They open the safe and the only thing they find in there is a vannila pudding. The Head Gangster says "Ok what can we do with this pudding? Well at least we can eat it".
So they eat the pudding. They open up the second safe and there sits another one, they eat that one too. This process goes on for the rest of the safes. They all get out of there all stuffed. And they say at least we were able to eat, and boy was that good pudding!.
Next day, on the news: "Yesterday the biggest sperm bank in the USA was robbed by an unknown group of people"
For their first date, Niel took Clare to an expensive restaurant, insisting:"Order whatever you like."
Clare obeyed, downing shrimp cocktail, lobster, two helpings of filet mignon, chicken Kiev, a bottle of Dom Perignon and an entire chocolate mousse covered with ice cream.
"Whoa!" Niel marvelled. "Does your mother feed you like that?"
"No," Clare shot back, "but my mother's not trying to fuck me either."
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.
The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."
The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp, and I'm still here today."
The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.