Same shit, different toilet
For reasons unknown to me, Universal Pictures decided to release Jurassic Park 3 into theaters. Proving that sequels do indeed grow progressively worse with the more that are made, this movie leaves me with one burning question in my mind. Are the people behind these sequels so blindly in love with their own creations that they can't see how much it sucks?
I was fortunate enough to see this movie while in Texas, on someone else's tab, so I don't have to lie awake at nights agonizing over the money I wasted on the ticket. The theater was blessedly quiet, clean, and dark, so I was in a pretty good mood from the start. I figured, Okay, I like dinosaurs. I like to see them eat people. Sequels are supposed to be bloodier by default. After all, nothing could be worse than Lost World. *sighs* Oh, how very wrong of me to assume such a conclusion.
I have three words to describe this film: Crock-O-Shit. There is NO plot, NO real character development, NO point. There is a predictability streak in this film a mile wide. It is NOT scary, it is NOT interesting. It's duller than dog shit on a cloudy day, and I would like nothing better than to smash the toes of the person responsible. The only reason I can figure they made the film was to sell new and unusually fucked up looking dino toys and other merchandise. And it's probably going to work too, because everyone loves dinosaurs. They're big, they're scary as all get out, but they can't hurt us because they're dead.
So the idea behind it, is that Dr. Alan Grant is still struggling to fund his digs. No, he is not still with the blonde woman from the first film. She is now married with crumb snatchers. He is propositioned by a rich couple to take them on an anniversary tour by flight of the second island, which he has never been to. Alan and one of his students, Billy, go along with the couple, only to find out that the couple is not rich at all, not even married anymore, and want him to help them find their son who is missing somewhere on the island. How the hell can such a young child possibly survive alone in that place, you ask? Shut the hell up and enjoy the film! says Universal Studios. Anyway, a few people get eaten, and I do mean A FEW. Unfortunately, Tea Leoni is not one of them. I have nothing against Mrs. David Duchovny, but she screams and does far more annoying things in this movie than any character should be allowed to do and still survive until the end credits. They flee into the woods after escaping from a monstrously ugly new dinosaur, the Spinosaurus. Out of the frying pan and into the fire, they run into my favorite dinosaur, the Tyrannosaurus Rex. They are saved when the Spinosaurus decides to fight the Rex. In a highly unlikely battle, the Rex is killed, yet still the Spinosaurus pursues them for no reason.
**Unlikely because, according to paleontologists' findings, the T Rex was the most intelligent of all predatory dinosaurs in it's size and time range, therefore they said that given his cunning and speed he would most likely win his battles with the other large land predators, even the ones above his size.**
Universal Studios says: Shut up! Nobody is supposed to know that!
**Also, most animals don't continue to chase after they have captured a meal. Especially animals that rely on bursts of speed to make a kill, they tire easily. Therefore, the Spinosaur would not even waste his time chasing those puny humans while his fresh T Rex dinner got cold.**
Universal Studios says: Hey, it's our movie, and if you don't like it, walk out bitch!
**And what the fuck is a Spinosaurus anyway?! Goddamn corporate entities making up their own animals...**
Universal Studios: Security!
Like I was saying, somehow they make it to the old compound. A Raptor lays a trap for Tea, and damn near bites her head off. It chases them, they trap it, it calls for help, & they flee back into the woods. They get split up, the raptors lay a trap, almost eat Tea AGAIN, & Alan finds their son. One night passes. They eventually meet up again due to the satellite phone which is used by the dinosaurs in another trap. More fleeing. They go into another building. They find out Billy stole some Velociraptor eggs, as if we didn't see THAT one coming. They have to cross a mist covered bridge. The Pteranodons attack them, trying to steal the child to feed to their own young. A perfectly acceptable pratice, I say. There is a huge struggle, Billy gets carried off downstream, everybody else makes it to a boat. They have a nice scenic ride for a while, find the phone again, ride some more, & the now underwater Spinosaurus attacks them. Another struggle showcasing the vulnerability of human beings. No one gets eaten during this struggle. Nor does anyone get eaten during the following confrontation with Raptors. Everyone is saved, even Billy, and they left the movie open for a sequel. That's right folks, Jurassic Park 4 will be coming your way in a few short years.
A few things that would have made this movie palatable:
I shudder to think of all the merchandise this will spawn. All I can say, is that if somebody's kid starts blowing into one of those resonating chambers around me, I'm going to slap the shit out of them. Oh, and that little stunt with the satellite phone was not amusing. They don't know just how close that theater came to violence before everyone realized the phone was in the movie and not in the pocket of some yuppie with no intentions of answering it.
<--- Back to