If only the first one could've been so entertaining
I despised... The Mummy **insert scary roaring sound here**. My initial impression of it was that Universal Pictures had lost their goddamn minds, by putting that tripe on the market. I tried to figure out what they were trying to achieve. Is this movie trying to scare me? If so, they achieved that by sticking Brendan Fraiser in it. Okay, I'm scared now, can I go home? It was cheesy, predictable, and even the special effects couldn't save it for me. I *booed* this movie for crying out loud, and I *never* boo anything. I wasn't the only person booing, either.
So I put off seeing The Mummy Returns for a long while. My brother and sister wanted to see it, and I tried so hard to get out of going. Being the master of procrastination that I am, I managed to put it off for about three weeks. I made plans practically every night, I waited until it was too late to look up movie times, and on rare occasions I did something constructive. Finally, they cornered me Friday night, and told me that we were going to see it the next day. Just like that, it was over. Saturday morning, I dragged ass around the house, taking my own sweet time to get dressed, fed, and ready to go. As a result, we left the house over fifteen minutes late, and I have absolutely no idea what happened in the beginning.
The part of the film I began with showed Evelyn & her now husband, Rick nosing through yet another sacred and cursed temple of some sort. They had some incredibly annoying crumbsnatcher with them, and I wondered what the hell type of parents would take their child into a dangerous and cursed temple?! From then on, Evelyn's stupid ass proceeded to start yet another chain of fucked up events in motion, by opening a sacred chest without reading the warning inscription on the top. She should be the Darwin award recipient of the century except that she only gets *other* people killed. The Nile comes flooding through the place and almost drowns them, but the child comes to the rescue. Can we say cheesy, predictable, and downright stupid? I was too tired to walk out or to boo. After that, we see people trying to dig up the mummy, and some woman with a fetish for poisonous snakes, who looks exactly like Anak-su-namum! Gasp! Could it be? The mummy's old flame?! Predictability factor increases. Not to mention a guest appearance from our favorite carnivorous insects, the scarab beetles (and you thought locusts were bad).
To make a long story short, Evelyn & Rick end up stealing the bracelet of the Scorpion King. Their dummy son puts the thing on, it leads the way to the Scorpion King's home. Meanwhile, Anak-su-namum and her buddies bring back the mummy, who is supposed to kill the Scorpion King and take over his army. He will then begin the new and original task of trying to destroy the world (of course that has never been attempted before, it's all so innovative!). Much to my great delight, they bring Oded Fehr back into the picture. He was the mysterious desert protector Mehnji from the first movie, and the only good reason to watch it. When my school showed The Mummy in a three hour assembly, all the girls screamed and whistled whenever he came on the screen. Grr baby, very grr.
Anyway, it turns out Evelyn was the daughter of the Pharoah that Anak-su-namum killed, and her name was Nefertiti. She and her father's young wife were rivals. So the good guys take a trip to go rescue their son who the mummy kidnapped, and a lot of people get killed, sucked dry, and whatnot. The mummy even does his little giant face thing, except he uses water this time instead of sand. Everyone finds the home of the Scorpion King, which is a lovely little oasis in the middle of a desert island. Then there is a scene that seems like it was cut and pasted exactly from the Lost World: Jurassic Park 2. The people are all in the tall grass at night and these little monsters start taking them all down one by one. It was pure deja vu. The few remaining people make it to the pyramid of the Scorpion King the next morning. The army of the Scorpion King rises up, and they start fighting the Mehnji. Personally, I rather liked the army. I mean, an endless supply of giant dog-men who are damn near invincible, would be quite nice to have on your side. Meanwhile, the mummy loses his powers because he's supposed to fight the Scorpion King as a mortal. Rick runs in and they start fighting. The Scorpion King comes out. Sweet mother of god. Had I the energy, I would've ran screaming from the theater when I saw what they had done to The Rock. He truly scared the shit out of me in all his computer generated scorpion man glory. Scorpion King kicks some ass, and then gets killed by Rick. Rick and the mummy somehow end up hanging off a ledge over hell. Meanwhile, Evie gets stabbed, resurrected, and then saves her husband. Anak-su-namum deserts her man, and ends up getting killed by some scorpions. All the bad people die and all the good people live. What a surprise! Who knew!? Honestly.
Despite my sardonic mocking comments, it was actually a damn good movie. The special effects and scenery were breathtaking. Even though you could damn near call out and predict each and every scene, they threw in a shock or two. It had some really nice fight sequences as well. The characters were somewhat more developed, and Evie was a real badass woman this time, instead of some silly giggly dumbass. The plot made absolutely no sense, but I really did not care as long as I got to look at all the pretty scenery, Oded Fehr and The Rock. Talk about a distractor. Ouch.
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