It's A Starbucks World, We Only Live In It

Class assignment. Our teacher told us to go to The Onion website and write something similar. I don't know what anybody else wrote about, because I wasn't there. I assure you, I shed a bitter tear over that. I chose to write about Starbucks, because I've often joked with my friends about how they won't rest until there's a Starbucks in hell.

Starbucks Opens 666 Billionth Store
By I.P. Freely, Asshole Press Writer
Mon Jun 1, 8:15 AM ET

WASHINGTON – Today the President of Starbucks announced that the company had officially opened their 666 Billionth store. The unique new addition to the highly successful coffee shop chain is located directly in the middle of Hell. This was a serious breakthrough for the corporation, as it was the first of their stores to be established underground.

“I am excited, we are all very excited.” The CEO said, during the midnight press conference. “This was something I wanted to do for a very long time. I put a lot of blood, sweat, and tears into it – mostly blood, and now it’s finally paid off.” His proud sentiments seemed to be echoed by many within the company.

Several employees from the new shop were present at the conference to give their opinions. “Oh my God, it’s so fucking hot!” remarked a young woman, who preferred to remain anonymous. “When I said that I was willing to be transferred to other locations, I didn’t think they meant Hell! I mean, who would think that?! It’s Hell for fuck’s sake!”

“The customers are the worst.” commented a young man, who also chose to remain unnamed. “If it isn’t the lawyers trying to argue over the price of a bagel, it’s the damn catholic priests groping my ass every time I reach for the vanilla syrup. And don’t even get me started on the demons.”

When asked what on Earth possessed him to want to open a Starbucks in such a horrible place, the CEO was unfazed. “I hardly think it’s fair to label Hell as a bad neighborhood. The crime rate is practically nonexistent when compared with cities like Baltimore or Washington D.C., both of which are already home to several Starbucks shops. If they can have a Starbucks, then why can’t Hell? Why can’t the moon? Or better yet, the Sun?”

The wife of the CEO was also present at the conference to explain how her husband came up with the idea. “He turned to me one night and said that he wanted to try anal sex. I told him ‘So what? People in Hell want ice water.’ Next thing I knew, he was buying all these weird books, wearing black robes, and drawing pentagrams on the kitchen floor. When I saw Satan come walking out of the fireplace one night, I pissed myself. I’m scared shitless just being here now, to tell you the truth.”

When asked why Hell needed a Starbucks, the Prince of Darkness had nothing but strong praise for the company. “The thing that really drew me to this deal, besides the souls, was the work ethic of the company. I know that Starbucks really understands the value of a dollar, because they pay their employees a pathetic wage. The baristas constantly run of the risk of being scalded, which is something I highly support, and they have to wear tacky uniforms. In short, the morale is very, very low, just the way I like it. Not to mention, the exploitation of the customers is brilliant. The prices are ridiculous, the coffee is sickening, and the music they sell is the exact sort of music that we play in Hell to torture the sinners. Even the cup sizes are in Latin. In case you didn’t know, Latin is the national language in Hell. Tell your parents that the next time they want you to take a useless language like French or Spanish.”

At the time of the conference, there was already a line of customers wrapped around the brimstone, hoping to purchase a tasty beverage. “I was so excited; I used up all of my suffering points for the week.” confided Adolf Hitler. “I couldn’t help it. It was just so nice to take a break from all that writhing in the Lake of Fire.”

In addition to the novel approach of having absolutely no air conditioning or internet access, the new Starbucks has made a few changes to the menu. “We have some great new flavors.” The CEO informed us. “There’s Peppermint Penance, Strawberry Suffering, Eternal Toffee Torment, and my personal favorite, Chocolate Chip Guilt Trip. That one tastes just like when you run over your neighbor’s cat, but you don’t really feel too bad, because you never liked the damn thing anyway. We are also considering introducing a Lake of Fire Latte, with burning coals substituted for ice cubes, but so far the response on that one hasn’t been too positive. I think it needs more caramel.”

The CEO also added that he was unconcerned about opponents trying to edge in on his newfound territory, stating that “Dunkin Donuts probably doesn’t have the balls.” His next project? “To finally convince my wife to give me that anal sex.”

Copyright © 2008 The Asshole Press. All rights reserved. The information contained in the AP News report may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed without the prior written authority of The Associated Press. OR ELSE. Don’t mess with us buddy, because we’ll sue you so hard your ancestors will owe us money. Hey, you know why blind men don’t skydive? Because it scares the shit out of the dog.

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